Sunday, January 15, 2012

How it all began

I came to Berlin in the summer of 2011 in hopes of starting a new life. I fell in love with the city years ago and my heart never left. I had gotten married to a beautiful and wonderful woman in August of 2010. It was our plan to both move here...I guess I should ad that the marriage was a lesbian partnership. When I was offered an internship for 6 months in the following spring, I was ecstatic...this was my opportunity. I knew once I made it to Berlin, I would never go back to the state of Georgia, or for the US for that matter. But once I got here, I started to realize how hard it was. I had a degree in German, I had prepared myself with education and language, and I even had some good connections here, but it was hard nonetheless. The bureaucracy of registering my place of residence, getting sick and dealing with insurance and doctors, getting bills from the government for having a TV or radio for the possible use of airwaves, and don't even get me started on the auslaenderbehoerde...it was quite overwhelming for me. Germans are great people, they truly are, but they take some working on to break through their outer shell...until that happens, it can be quite isolating.

Two weeks after arriving, I was out partying with my usual "rat pack" of friends, my wonderful gays and transgendered bunch. I had not started my internship yet, because of the fore mentioned bureaucracy of the auslaenderbehoerde...so I had plenty of time to explore...and that I did. In my misadventures, I had an affair. I met this very studious and sexy female to male trans man and we just hit it off immediately. It was so severe it hit me like whiplash. At first, I thought it would just be a fling and that I would never leave my wife. But as the summer flew by, I got caught up in the whirlwind of love. I fell head over heals for this man. We not only got on intellectually, but sexually it was the best stimulating connection full of adventure, romance, animal lust, passionate kissing....the best experience of my life. The best romance of my life.

Somewhere in that time amidst all my guilt for cheating mixed with total bliss, I would have to make a decision. I started seeing where my relationship was falling short with my wife; how much of myself I had sacrificed to be with her; how much she had not sacrificed a thing; and that in reality, she was/ had done nothing to prepare herself to move here with me. I also knew, I could not make a decision based on the whims of passion...the unknown outcome of being with this amazing man. No...the decision had to be for myself, either with my wife long distance and try to make it work or alone here in Berlin without my lover. This is the logical thing right...there is no possible way thinking about being with my lover in the end would have any impact or influence on my decision? Logically no....but emotionally yes...it did. I knew what I wanted and I knew what I needed...for the first time in my life. I wanted to be me without sacrifice. I could have this alone in Berlin and I could have it with my lover..so either way I would win.

Not so....my wife and I had booked a flight for her early on to come and visit. As the time drew nearer, the pressure got so intense for me and my lover, it started causing us to fight. By this point, I had already told my wife I had fallen in love with someone else and I had told my lover it was over between me and my wife. But that she would still come and I would make sure she had the best time possible. Days before her arrival he stopped talking to me...I knew he was not strong enough to handle it...but I had to. My heart was so heavy with guilt and sadness and fear...it almost drove me to suicide. I had to face my wife and tell her everything and try to be supportive to her and all the while my heart was ripped from me...my true love was gone. In the two weeks of my wife's visit, I tried so hard to be realistic, logical, and supportive...but it was horrible. I was breaking her heart like my lover had broken mine. One day my wife and I were walking by Ostkreuz and we were fighting atop the bridge over the train tracks....I started hyperventilating my heart felt like it was stopping and the only thing I could think of was to jump.

For the last few months I cried everyday. I felt so isolated and so misunderstood, even by my friends...my German non-emotional friends. I could not see how I would do this, how I would make it here, and now I had no home to go back to. The first few weeks were hell. My lover still refused to speak to me and I longed to be with him, feel him, smell him, taste him, and know that this was not all for nothing. But the truth was, as much as it was for nothing....it was for everything. I needed to be hurt this way, to sel my heart from distractions, so that I could make MY way here. Don't get me wrong...5 months later there is not a day that goes by that I do not miss my lover and know that I will never have something like that again. The question is though, will it never happen again because I won't allow it or because it really does not exist?

This is where my confessions of being a Berlin whore begins not literally, but figuratively. 

After months of crying and longing...I needed to feel something..anything. I could not see myself being with a woman anymore...at least not since I had the taste for being with a man, but also because it felt like I would really be cheating on my wife. So I placed an ad on Toytown...just to meet people, friends, interactions...at this point not for sex. Just to meet other people and get out of my depression. I met a few interesting people for a beer or two. One guy just fell in love I suppose. After our meeting he texted me the next day this long text and before I could finish reading it, he was then calling me. He wanted to escort me to the airport for my flight the next day. I had to sadly decline, but promised we would hang out again when I returned and as promised we did. He met me at my favorite cafe in Kreuzberg, Silver Future, and when he arrived he handed me a stack of papers. Love poems from Rumi with specific favorites of his highlighted. I knew at this point I must detract this feeling of his and let him down easy. SO I started talking about my lover and how much I missed him and that he started talking to me again and that I was happy again to have him back in my life.

It worked...as we left he made it a point to remind me he paid for my wine, don't know exactly why, but he was quick to get back to the train to leave....I never heard from him again. After some time I was really itching to find a friend that I had something in common with and who was good looking and maybe if the connection was good we could have some fun. I had been talking to this guy from England. He was into electronic music, he had a cool easy personality and I had not seen his pic. But we decided to meet...yes the usual place...the revolving door of Aimmee, Silver Future! I was there with my closest friend Sarah as usual, I said, "I really hope he is cute". I was ready to start seeing if any man out there was capable of touching me, stimulating me, or anything me, like my lover did. So, the time came for him to arrive...all I have to say is...ask the universe and you shall receive. I met him on the sidewalk in front of the cafe. It was dark and I could not make out more than that he was tall, until he was face to face. Our eyes met and I saw that sweet boy face and I was wet! I think I even blurted out loud...thank god your cute! We spent several hours talking and with good conversation too! There was definite attraction between both. It was time to leave and he was a gentleman and walked me home. Later in an email he said he wished that he would have kissed me. I responded, that a kiss would have been too cliche for both of us and that when we kiss I want him to just take the kiss spontaneously and with his manly passion. Our emails became more and more flirty..and centered around what panties I might be wearing. Eventually I my horniness took over and I arranged to meet him that evening to play in the park. We met and walked and by the kanal near Admiral Bruecke, he grabbed me and kissed me passionately. We walked towards the kiddy park and sat on a bench and made out. Then I straddled him allowing him to see and feel my breasts and touch my ass and so forth. It was highly erotic for me, but I could tell he was nervous and distracted. So, for the first time since my lover, I invited him to my place. I told him that we would not have sex, but only fool around. As much as I wanted to be with a man or a penis, I was still a bit scared of the whole thing. We went to my room and started rolling around. He played with my tits. I started to compare his touch with my ex lover's and it was not anything close to the feeling he gave me. When my ex touched my tits and played with my nipples, I felt the wetness swell up and tingles throughout my body. But with this guy he seemed over anxious and he was rougher and harder. But then he started playing with my pussy. She was hungry and responded well to his playing. No it too was not the same, but it was good for now! I gushed all over his hand and all over my bed and it was a sweet sweet release. When he was done playing with me, he said he was now frustrated. Ha...of course he was! I looked at his penis and I guess it was ok for a penis, I was never really attracted to them before and I wasn't then either. Plus, it had been over 6 years since I had touched one. I started to play with it and OMG I was freaked out....he had foreskin. WTF is this? I had never played with a penis with foreskin before. It was quite off-putting. American men are circumcised and when you touch them and stroke them it is quite controlled...much like a stick shift. But all this extra skin on this guy made it hard for me to gauge how tightly I should hold it and when I stroked it, it was like I was playing with a slinky. I had to stop! I was in way over my head here. So I just said ok...you can jerk off on my tits, but then you have to go! So he did!

About a month later I hear from him again. I thought ok. Lets try this again. He came over and we got stoned and started playing around. He really wanted to feel my juices flow again and the attention was on me and not him...that was great. He made me cum harder this time and in the heat of it all I said, I want you to fuck me. He asked if I was sure...oh yes I am sure. I gave him a condom and as he was sitting over me he said, "are you scared or nervous since it has been so long?" I said, "no...I am so ready for this." He said, "Ok are you ready? This is going to feel so good."..........He sticks it in and 4 seconds later he is just laying on me. That was it? I waited 6 years for this? WTF? He hardly made any effort and there was no noise...AT ALL. He apologized and left.  Yah it was all that climactic!!

So the quest has more ammo now. Not only do I seek a lover who can touch me the way my ex touched me, I needed a real man who could fuck like a real man!

One night I was out and met another female to male (ftm). He was very attractive, had great personality, was flirty, and not inside my normal group of friends. He and I started talking a lot and then we went out. But my old group of friends were around, including my ex. I knew my ex was jealous seeing me with another man and if I kissed this guy in front of him, it would just make the whole thing worse. I did not seek to hurt my ex, as I am still in love with him. But, I am angry at what he did, so part of me feels he deserves it. My friend and I were at Villis with the entire group getting drunk and having a good time. At the end of the night, closing time, the group went out front waiting for us to leave with them. In that time, me and this guy kissed..and although it was not in my ex's face, he saw it. We went out front and met the group for a final good bye and walked arm in arm away. We walked around the corner of the shops at Schoenhauser Allee just above the S-Bahn platform and I started to kiss him. Like a good man getting excited, he pushed me up against the store front window and proceeded to touch me and push himself against me and make noise and kiss me passionately. It was the hottest thing since the heatwave in Atlanta on 1998. For two hours in the middle of the early morning, we fucked right there, while people passed us to get to and from the train for work and we didn't care. My belt was on the ground. It was freezing cold, but my satin dress and bra were down below my stomach and I was completely exposed. His touch was just as good as my ex's and gave me the same feeling of pulsating goodness that drenched my panties. He was not interested in being touched or explored, so I had all of the attention and I am sure everyone on Schoenhauser Allee and Greifhagenerstr. heard about my wonderful night! He and I did this again, but on the other side of Schoenahuser Allee and on the sidewalk, where people were indeed walking by and observing. his touch and his kisses were amazing and for the first time I thought, ok there might be others out there who can touch me like my ex....I guess they are just FTM's. I knew at this point I had a thing for FTM and signed up for sights to find one. To this day...it hasn't happened again. But still looking!

In my few months of sexcapades I had started to see more clearly that I was hot....my appearance was hot. I had lost 50lbs since being in Berlin. I had nice curves, men were checking me out, and I was feeling really horny all the time. Being 35, I suppose it is biology making its stance. But I began looking at every man I walked by, examining their appearance and wondering how they would feel and how they would fuck. It started to consume me. My internship was coming to an end and I was stressed about what was going to happen to me. Finding a job was harder than I thought it would be and securing a Visa to stay was a stressful struggle. But I got an artist freelance Visa...leaving the world wide open for me. I applied to several things, even took jobs that ended up not paying me in the end. In the meantime I was on Craigslist seeking people to possibly hook up with, when I thought mainly out of curiosity, would people on here pay for sex?! I needed money, I wanted to have sex, badly...let us just see! I put up several ads, some for entertainment, some seeking actual friends with benefits, and then ads to lure men in to pay for sex. I have to say, the ads started to consume me and my time. Seeing what these men were into, just blew my mind. I did have many men interested in paying for sex, but I had no experience in this and found it hard to close the deals. But I kept trying and I have to say....now I have succeeded! Going forward now is just the exploits and adventures of my life as an actual Whore in Berlin...not just the sought after romps of a horny woman...but the actual reality of fucking for money!

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