Sunday, April 1, 2012

My Journey to Self Liberation as a Whore

Making my way through this life, this journey, I am learning so much about myself. I have found strengths, weaknesses, confidences, places where I am completely content and also where I am uneasy, and for the most part...they are one in the same. These traits have all completely shifted from one extreme to another. Do I like what I have found about myself? There are moments when I am not quite sure...but isn't this true for anyone? Day to day though, I am completely content with who I have found in myself. I am usually happy, energetic, smiling, silly, and charismatic and always in the mood to feel the warm body of another next to mine. But the moments when I am not, they hit so intensely, any and all happiness I have found is lost in these moments of deterioration. I have woken up absolutely hating myself and who I am, for as close as I can be to something recognizable to being in love or feeling closeness to another human being for more than an hour, I hate myself for trying or desiring it. Mostly because I don't want to be let down in the end, should the person I value most outside myself, not care for me in a way closest to resembling a kind of unique bond and loving loyalty. What I don't like about myself is the cold and bitter reality, that as much as I want to find closeness and trust in another, I do not allow myself to feel it completely. I am full of love and desire, yet I no longer know how to express it with real connection to feeling. I hate myself for being numb to love and its possibilities, especially now because I have never been so highly desired by so many. This new desire for me is exhilarating and fills me with confidence in myself that I never really had before, but the sad part of it is, this desire men have for me is only superficial. They have no interest in the person that exists beyond the facade. But, I also know for me, I have not the capacity to embrace anything more than superficial.

I see myself clear as day. For the first time in my life I can stand still like in a wormhole and look upon my past, present, and future. I am beyond familiar with the roads I have traveled, I have found solitude for where I am at present, and I can see where I want to go. The only thing fuzzy for me is how? I have always been scattered and hard at focusing...I know I cannot live like this forever and sometime somewhere, something will have to give...but what will I relinquish? Personal sovereignty, principles, or my ideal for love? At the moment, I am completely content with where I am...physically, mentally, and emotionally. Prior to becoming a whore and living life on a whim of love and the way the wind blew, I was out of balance as I lost my sovereignty, tried to live with principles and with my ideal of love......it was a complete fail as I did not know the subtlety of loves manipulations. I slowly melded into one with another and forgot that I also exist as an individual and with boundaries.

Now I live with boundaries I have set...feeling the individual that pays me for my time. I feel them, taste them, bond with them for a moment in time, yet neither becomes drained by the inevitable disappointment that complete unity has to offer. I no longer suck a dick for the explicit sanctification of another and I no longer do it whimsically. I no longer freely give away what has worth to me and should have worth to others, and when that worth is put into question, I am strong enough in my self appreciation to allow anyone to cheapen me or what I have to offer , I will settle for nothing less than what I desire and nothing less than what I am worth . This self liberation would have never existed within me had I not become a whore. It would have never happened had I stayed in the US and it would not have happened had I not relinquished to some, lost to more, or had stolen from a few....my heart, my naivety....my soul!

1 comment:

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