Sunday, May 6, 2012

I promised to be a whore and found myself!



Sorry I have been away for some time. I have been sucked into the vortex  of a very strange place, a strange mood, and strange reality. I have been sucked into the depths of an alternate universe from which I have created for myself. This place was territory known all too well to me, all the while, it has been uncomfortable and liberating all the same. I reached deep into my soul to retrieve something I had lost........myself. It has been months since I looked in the mirror and saw who I was, am, and who I will be....I had forgotten to do this and it came at a cost. I paid the piper and in return I was set free. This feeling can only be best described by my favorite author, Georg Sand or Baroness Dudevant

"A day will come when everything in my life will change, I shall do good to others, when someone will love me, when I shall give my whole heart to the man who gives me his, meanwhile you will suffer in silence and keep my love as a reward...for him who shall set me free."

My life has been a constant moment of change, recently in my profession...I do good to others, some love me...but I shall not see it....I do not want to see it and I cannot see it. I give myself to others as a vessel of good will, good companionship, therapy, and evenings of bliss, rapture, and the feeling of love and desire. I give myself without replenishing my senses, my needs, and my desires...until I forget.Where I sought this replenishment, I was only drained more. I give my whole heart to the man who gives me his, but my heart is merely a beating apparatus, that pumps life through only logical rhythms. My love and my heart are separate entities that make a whole, which is my soul. There are many that keep my heart safe, while reaping reward. Pieces are kept in a box for further and later admirations. My love is given to those who least deserve it, yet nonetheless need it the most. This makes for only a beautiful hollow shell...so my question is, do I need to be set free or contained?

I recently was offered a beautiful opportunity by a gentleman to fly to Nice, France for 2 days of being shown how beautiful I was...in mind, body, and spirit. He wanted to show me that there is still gentleman like love, desire, and admiration to be had. In this endeavor to which I agreed, we both found more than what we had set out to discover. He was a romantic man, sweet, gentle, kind, and giving...he was also quite sophisticated in his complexity and this drew out the best and worst in me. This may sound wretched, but it was me as a whole and not just a hole, that he was able to encounter. I believe it stimulated him in a way he had not experienced in a lifetime. Likewise, he pulled out every emotion I had...he was for me as I was for him....a moment of impact.

Thank you for your kindness during these two days together. I was indeed really pleased to spoil you (I do not usually do that to someone I do not know... but I did it and it was a pleasure). I hope this has pleased you as much as it has helped me. I understand more what you meant while re-reading your blog on "the moment of impact". You made one for me. Not even with an unforgettable moment of sex... but only with an exchange with a witty person (you). I also hope it helped you in your reconstruction process, if any help was further required.
Take good care of you, and look only for the top. Like you.
You are a nice person and I enjoyed you very much, especially your complexity… I have found ever more complicated than me.
To conclude, I thought I would meet a whore (don’t take it badly, I am a whore too every day), but I met a doc and a friend. Cool.

Thank you for the wonderful experience and allowing me to get to know you too! I saw a lot of my own complexity in you as well. I think for both of us, it was a moment of impact for sure...just what neither of us was anticipating. But this is very rich and good. I know what you mean by thinking you would meet a whore and finding a doc and friend instead....this is especially good for you...as many do not get to see this layer to my being... I do know you had hoped for something else...but as the Rolling Stones say...you can't always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need! This can bring mixed feelings, but it also brings you closer to self and this is what the reward is to those who open themselves to it.

You gave me a wonderful birthday and showed me how worth it I am...I think as much as I put a number value on myself and my services, I never realized how special I really am. In my current state and relation and connection to another...I forgot that and as much as I tried to make him see it in me....how could he, when all this time I couldn't REALLY see it in myself. It is painful yet freeing and in the next weeks I am sure the freeing nature of the whole thing will reveal a new self. Thank you for showing me that there are still gentlemen in this world, that there is still romance to be had, and that I can be appreciated for me and that I should never settle for less! I know better what I want and need in this world thanks to you! You are a good man!

My experience with you did not bring me any mixed to feelings at all. Only something I did not expect, but this thing is eventually a lot better than what I could have expected before knowing you. How many chances were there that we meet together during 2 days and thus have the opportunity to live together, and at the same time, a moment of impact. One out of a million ? There are already 130 million inhabitants in France and Germany together. As you do not like math, let’s keep simple things simple: there were basically no chance that we met. But we did. I do not believe in God as such, but as Albert Einstein said (he did not believe in God too) : “God does not play dice”. Meaning: there is an order in this world, and even if we cannot understand it, things do not happen by chance or by mistake.
I am really pleased that you took so much from our meeting. Your compliments are more than I deserve, and you are responsible also for a large part of the result. I did not hope for so much, but it fills me with joy and pleasure. Never let anyone settle you for less than you are! Life is worth being lived, and this is what we learn every day. I wish you only the best for the future. You are a beautiful and wonderful person, and you should never lessen you in anyway. If one day you need help and I can help you, please do not hesitate to ask. I do not want to promise you anything, because a promise is only a commitment for the one who receives the promise, and not for the one who promises. At least, I will do my best! You are a fantastic lady, and you have counted in my life!
What I gained from my experience with my admirer...was myself. Being shown around the south of France by a wonderful man, was one of the most trying moments I have had to overcome for myself in a long time. Being receptive to kindness without thinking of the persons alterior motives has been quite an obstacle for one. I realize that we all are directed by self interest, but the level in crassness has been the overture of many findings and resolutions. My other fault was lying in my very foundation and created a crack in my facade. The need to feel something or better, the need to allow myself to feel something...this is good in personal life, however feudal in my profession.

My admirer was everything a woman could desire in a man...if only she sought for romance. Or if she sought it specifically from him in particular. Perfect! He was a lover through and through. This facade and foundation in him was spectacular, but all the while needed to be wielded and molded to reflect the passionate animal that resided inside him. Although he did not know it at the time of our encounter, he was unbalanced and also did not know why...I was the same.

Every chance he had to pay me the compliment of cherished beauty, tracing the outline of my face gently with his fingers as I slept, or kiss my lips...it hurt me. My heart would break even more. It was not so much that I did not feel I deserved such admiration or that I was not worth every bit of what he gave me,no, it was the opposite. My heart and love had been miles away, being held captive by my dear Mr. Strange...he was suffering in silence as he always had been. Keeping my love as reward because he held not the capacity to reveal his true feelings for me...knowing he never would, I made a decision....

To my admirer, you set me free. Because of the pain your kindness brought me...Ich konnte vor dem Spiegel stehen und wurde mich selbst gesehen!

Further Update!


Hi Aimmee,
I am great, thank you. I feel a lot more balanced every day… so I also think of you every day!
I work a lot, but with a lot more balance (and a walk after lunch!).
My animal side has grown with this new balance. I have tried it with my wife, and it was quite fun.
I am really pleased that you feel so good. I have read it in your blog and I was quite pleased.
No wonder your marketing strategies do work well. You are good at what you do, and this is just another example of it.
Thank you so much for being yourself. Just keep it always like that, and take good care of you.

OMG...I am so happy to hear that you tried that with your wife and had fun......that is the best news!! Of course with you being balanced :) This is what makes me so happy with what I do! Really! I hope you keep it up and have more fun adventures together!
Aimmee